Some people settle into motherhood like it’s custom made for them, and, for that matter, they settle into many other life changes in the same way.
Domesticity, I must confess, does not run strongly in my veins.
When I got married to my highschool sweetheart, my bizarre behaviour in the adjustment period made my mom worry it was triggering schizophrenia.
When I had my first baby, it didn’t feel real to me that I was going to be a parent until I held her in my arms. Then I teared up, fell immediately and intensely in love with the sweetest, easiest-going baby ever, and wondered what on earth I was supposed to be doing all day in this new role of stay-at-home mom.
I went back to work about a week after my maternity leave ended.
When I had my second baby, we didn’t understand each other. His big sister seemed better at entertaining him than I was, he wanted to be held all the time, I wanted him to nap, he thought naps were for the weak, and I figured I would never get anything done again.
I went back to work about a week after my maternity leave ended.
Then I had my third baby.
Suddenly, things seemed to click. I loved being home, and couldn’t imagine working full time. I started baking my own bread, I realized my blinds had never been dusted, and I learned how to take out and clean screens. I planted my own veggies, learned how easy it is to roast a chicken, and made the occasional meal plan. Suddenly it seemed possible to fill those interminable hours in the day that other stay-at-home moms seemed expert at filling.
While I’d like to say I finally grew into my ideal of a content, fulfilled, and exemplary domesticated woman, I know I still have an extraordinarily long ways to go in that department. However, I’m so thankful to feel comfortable at home in this stage, to feel confident that it is, indeed, just a stage, and to have gained enough experience to know how to use the hours in a day. While this change has little to do with me improving, it does have to do, I think, with some changes I made without ever intending them to make a difference.
A huge part of what made staying at home work for me was blogging. Staying home all day was a whole new world not just because I had little persons to take care of, but because, aside from basic cleaning and laundry, I couldn’t think of anything else to do, and I couldn’t figure out how to spend more than about a day a week doing that. I had never developed any at-home hobbies in the time before I had children: I don’t sew or scrapbook, I don’t play an instrument or sculpt. My husband is gone every evening, and I’m not about to start talking to myself.
Often, the less you do, the less you feel like doing. Breaking out paints and canvas or picking up a thick book seemed like too much work, especially with the TV only a click away. Blogging, without ever meaning it to, became a commitment, a space to write, to share, to create, and to invest energy into.
A source of energy often gives you so much more energy than you ever bargained for. The energy gained from turning off the TV and putting thoughts into words gave me energy to get so many other things in order: daily personal devotions, going back to school to finish my degree, finding crafts and activities to do with the kids, time to exercise, to cook and bake, and generally to feel excited about getting up every day. I never knew how much I enjoyed writing, or needed writing. This realization took me completely by surprise as I pondered how much I was loving the freedom of being a stay-at-home mom, and why that had suddenly become the case.
So thank you to each of you for reading, for encouraging me to be here regularly, for being the reason I’m completely culturally irrelevant when it comes to TV shows, for being the reason I see the value in enjoying these years instead of looking to the next. While I’m sure I’ll never reach that ideal of perfect domesticity in my head, that’s certainly no reason to quit trying, and while it may not look quite right to everyone else, it’ll work for me.
Tell me, did you have anything specific that helped you settle into a new stage in life, be it motherhood, singleness, marriage, or anything else?
What an awesome post, Anna! I’ve always been fairly domestic, even before baby was born, and now that she’s here, I feel like I fit into that role even better. Your kids are lucky have such an awesome, amazing mom like you!
Maybe we underestimate the challenge for most, if not all, women to adjust to motherhood and staying at home. It isn’t easy being on call 24/7 and having to adjust and restrict personal desires and schedules to fit in with everyone else’s…especially with preschoolers who wake, eat, and nap according to a schedule which is rarely predictable or flexible, but also with the older kids who still need your time and attention. But for your sake and the kids, it is so important to find fulfillment in those years, and know the time will come when the nest will be empty and you will have to adjust again. You are a great mother Anna. Your kids know they are loved. You can’t give them anything better than that :).
Your kids are so lucky to have such a great mom.
This is a great post! I spent so much time and money getting my doctorate, I don’t think I could ever quit, but I know it will be hard to manage parenting and working. I started blogging as a way to relax a little and it’s my little creative outlet!
I definitely think you can do both! I do hope to put my degree to use one day, but it’s great to have a creative outlet at any stage!
Anna, I don’t read your blog often, but when I saw this one it really caught my eye. I think adjusting to motherhood wasn’t ideal for me either…….I headed into some form of work after the first 3 kids. Now with number 4 I haven’t yet??? Although volunteering in the school system seems to keep me busy and I still feel like taking up some form of job again one day! Your thoughts/feelings are similar to mine. Every blog post I have read from you has been very enjoyable though! Keep at it! I love posting on my blog, but maybe from the photography aspect as opposed to the writing.
Thanks so much for your comment, Carla! It’s good to know I’m not alone in these feelings, and I definitely see myself going back to some form of job one day too…we shall see.
I taught pre-school and toddlers for many years, so staying home with my own child seemed like a shoe-in, and being a military wife just sealed the deal. Why switch jobs every two years? That being said, I found it very, very hard to not be meeting professional goals and achievements. That’s where blogging came in for me. I love that I can feel accomplished through my blog, share my talents and knowledge, and happily be a stay at home mom. I’m happy for you that you’ve found your comfort zone in the world of stay at home motherhood!
Thanks for sharing Anna! I thoroughly look forward to reading each of your posts. I really admire you and your honesty :) PS Gemma’s hair is so long! I don’t know if I have ever seen it that long :) It’s cute!
Thanks Alicia! And yes, Gemma’s hair grows SO well – I wish I could grow mine that long :)