Lately I’m running out of words.
It took me a bit to realize why I felt strange, why I just couldn’t shake an uncomfortable sense of not feeling quite like myself. Getting through the day, doing the day to day things that need to be done – these things all still happen, and don’t seem particularly draining. But the deeper third-trimester low-iron exhaustion I’m working on fixing meant something had to give. I just didn’t know what.
When it hit me I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it sooner: my words are gone.
I’ve always been able to carry on a conversation, regardless if anyone is listening, and sitting down to blog or write a paper was enjoyable and easy. Sitting at a table at a family dinner recently, trying to gather something to say and, pretty quickly, admitting defeat and not really caring, I began to understand. Sitting down to blog and then to write a short paper a few days later, it finally sunk in: inner me was silent.
Normally I keep a notebook beside my bed for the constant explosion of words and thoughts running around in my mind. I used to have scraps of paper littering my kitchen counter, desk, and coffee table. Some of it made sense, some of it didn’t, but the words were constantly there. In the car or in the shower, I’d have ideas, tell jokes, engage in debates, and pose questions in waves.
It’s THAT, that inner dialogue, the ability to talk to a brick wall, the curiosity, eagerness and haphazard careening of thoughts – it’s missing. And I miss it. I may not seem any different from the outside, but I don’t feel like me because I can’t talk to me anymore.
It’s strange, and uncomfortable, and quiet in my head. I’m slowly feeling myself coming back, and I hope I’m fully back soon, even if it is only to be re-silenced by the new-mom grogginess just around the corner
In the meantime, please make conversation for me. Don’t be offended by my silence in your presence or the absence in my eyes, the slowness of my responses or how long it takes me to get your jokes. And please, give me some good baby names, because I got nothin’, nothin’ at all.