Waiting for Words

Lately I’m running out of words.

It took me a bit to realize why I felt strange, why I just couldn’t shake an uncomfortable sense of not feeling quite like myself.  Getting through the day, doing the day to day things that need to be done – these things all still happen, and don’t seem particularly draining. But the deeper third-trimester low-iron exhaustion I’m working on fixing meant something had to give.  I just didn’t know what.

When it hit me I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it sooner: my words are gone.

I’ve always been able to carry on a conversation, regardless if anyone is listening, and sitting down to blog or write a paper was enjoyable and easy.  Sitting at a table at a family dinner recently, trying to gather something to say and, pretty quickly, admitting defeat and not really caring,  I began to understand.  Sitting down to blog and then to write a short paper a few days later, it finally sunk in: inner me was silent.

Normally I keep a notebook beside my bed for the constant explosion of words and thoughts running around in my mind. I used to have scraps of paper littering my kitchen counter, desk, and coffee table.  Some of it made sense, some of it didn’t, but the words were constantly there.  In the car or in the shower, I’d have ideas, tell jokes, engage in debates, and pose questions in waves.

It’s THAT, that inner dialogue, the ability to talk to a brick wall, the curiosity, eagerness and haphazard careening of thoughts – it’s missing.  And I miss it.  I may not seem any different from the outside, but I don’t feel like me because I can’t talk to me anymore. 

It’s strange, and uncomfortable, and quiet in my head. I’m slowly feeling myself coming back, and I hope I’m fully back soon, even if it is only to be re-silenced by the new-mom grogginess just around the corner

In the meantime, please make conversation for me.  Don’t be offended by my silence in your presence or the absence in my eyes, the slowness of my responses or how long it takes me to get your jokes.  And please, give me some good baby names, because I got nothin’, nothin’ at all.

Comments

  1. says

    Oh my gosh. I totally know what you’re talking about. I always called it “Mommy Brain”. I think it’s a real, very common thing. I found it hard to dig deep and come up with anything substantial too.
    Best to you, my dear. And I know I owe you an emial full of recipes. I’m going to go try to compile it now – How much longer for you?? I may be too late. Maybe some of it needs to be stuff the hubs could throw together, eh?
    xoxo!

  2. says

    Totally understand. I haven’t put out a blog post in well I would say weeks but it basically months now. No words, no energy to get in the kitchen and I am only managing one little one, you have 3. You are still a superstar in my book. :-)

    • says

      I’ve been thinking of you Meg! Glad to hear I’m not alone on this…we’ll get our mojo back when the little ones are out, right? :)

        • says

          For sure – I always have the best intention of stocking meals and end up with a freezer full of cookies, granola bars, and muffins instead :) Anyone who wants meals around here after a baby is born needs to cook them themselves ;)

  3. Elizabeth says

    Aw… I feel for you girlie! The one thing I don’t like about pregnancy is I never feel like my bubbly energetic happy self. This wave of insecurity, a bit of depression and lack of ability to hold a conversation plagues me too. Eventually we will find ourselves again. Hang in there and look forward to the day when you get to hold your baby in your arms and give him/her a big snuggle!

    • says

      Thanks so much for your comment Elizabeth! Hope the last few weeks go quickly for you too so you can feel back to yourself asap!

  4. Kim says

    An Anna without words…hard to imagine ;) Interesting that you used to tell jokes and enter debates while in the shower…always wondered what all that chatting in the bathroom was about. I guess that’s what you call bathroom humour :) Seriously though, hope you get some strength…and words…back soon. Maybe this is practice for menopause when you lose the ability to think of nouns. You know, ‘get me the watchyamacallit that’s in the thingamajig and put it here in the thingy’. It’s true…I’m there :P

  5. says

    While I didn’t lose my words, I totally understand the low iron exhaustion. I had that issue with all three of my pregnancies, progressively worse with each one. I pray you’ll be feeling better soon.

    • says

      Thanks Leanne! I’ve had it with one previous pregnancy, but definitely not to this extent – if it’s going to get progressively worse I better call it a day after this one :)

  6. says

    Hmm, that’s got to feel rather disconcerting to discover that inner silence. I’m glad you’ve diagnosed the problem – praying you feel more like yourself soon!

    For baby names, I feel your pain! It’s hard finding names that two people both love! Have you checked out Nymbler.com? It’s a baby name website that asks you to type in a few names that you like and then give you lots of suggestions based on those choices (you can even email yourself the list of names you liked).

  7. says

    Praying you feel better soon and not so lost…
    As for baby names….I was never good at that either. I often sat down with the baby name book and wrote a list of names I sort if liked….only to cross it off the list 5 minutes later along with any other name on it. Just watch lots of movies and read the credits :)

  8. says

    I’m glad that you are starting to feel yourself coming back! And oh gosh, I got nothing for baby names. haha I have a feeling it’s going to be very hard for my husband and I when we start having kids!

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